“ If love is a drug, I don’t want it, because I don’t have any self-control. The harder I try to get off it, the more I can see that I need it.”

No one really knows what love is, but we know what love isn’t. we do know love makes you feel good and it doesn’t make you feel bad. i don’t think you can lose it, fall out of it, or have it because it’s not a concrete thing you can lose sight of, it’s not a container that holds you then tips over so you fall out, and it’s not something tangible to hold on to for you to have in your possession. it doesn’t just change it’s mind about loving and not loving. love isn’t fairy dust but we tend to collect experiences of love along our way (memories are like fairy dust — seriously memories and thoughts are some far out shit if you think about it, but i’ll save this for another time). love is almost like currency for consciousness.

Love is just a word. Like god, it cannot truly be defined because it is entirely subjective. Love is what love means to you… [let me rephrase] love is what love means… [when applied] to YOU. 

Do you love you? What does that even meeeeeean? Do you accept who you are, unconditionally, without labeling any parts of you good, bad, or ugly and find total contentment when you look inside, as well as in a mirror? 

Do the things that make you different, make you smile? Does being you, living in your mind and body feel good and satisfying? Do you enjoy responding to life, purely from the depths of your own mind, body, and soul?

Do you like how you think? Does who you are (not who you want to be) intrigue you? Or do you want to be like, and think like, someone else?

Does it feel good to be in your body? Or do you want out?

Someone I know said this week, “I don’t do self-love.” This came from someone who stands proudly in the face of adversity. Someone who plays and participates in the game of life and has the audacity to shout from the roof tops, “I’m the best damn _(you can fill in the blank, he has said it all)_”. I don’t believe you can say you’re the best damn anything without loving who you are or being full of shit. I don’t know which he is, but I’d like to think it’s the first one. 

Spending time alone, writing, listening, yoging, journaling, is giving yourself time to explore, assess, and accept the person within. It doesn’t have to be considered “self love” if you dont like the sound of that but in essence it’s time spent giving yourself love… love is an exploration and appreciation for whatever you experience, without trying to actively fix or course correct what you are thinking or seeing in that moment.

When you don’t love yourself, being alone with yourself, without distracting away from yourself, can be uncomfortable or even feel like torture. When you dont love who you are, you question the decisions you make. When you don’t love yourself, as is, you look in the mirror and want to change things. This could be as simple as how you feel about your hair. When you don’t love your hair, you seek out ways to change it so that you like it more. 

When you don’t love yourself, you don’t have self control. When you stop being curious about yourself, intrigued by what you see within, or wish you were somehow different, you lack your own true love and acceptance. When you don’t love yourself, it’s very hard to be authentic. 

Self acceptance, self assessment, and self inquiry are the keys to find love for yourself. Once you find love, like this, for yourself, the world is (and it’s people are) much easier to love from where you are. 

When you find love like this you know you can’t “lose it” because you create it from within, you know you can’t “fall out of it” because it cannot contain you or drop you, and you know you can’t “have it” because it cannot be grasped, it can only be experienced. 

Find your way to love through YOU rather than trying to figure it out through someone else. You will find your own value is best understood through your own eyes and through your own love rather than through someone else’s eyes or someone else’s value of you.

Thanksgiving Day

May humans find gratitude for all that is given and all that is taken away every single day of our lives.

What if you spend more of your day seeing and appreciating all that exists in your life including the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, rather than spending your time worrying about what hasn’t worked in the past or anxious about what uncertain possibilities lie in the future?

What if appreciation for your life and everything in it NOW, took your attention away from all that has “happened to you”, all that you wish would happen, or all that you wish you were, or want for yourself?

What if the wants, the needs and the worries are the heavy shit that you carry and your gratitude, awareness and appreciation of today is what makes you put down that “heavy shit”?

What if the uncertainty of whether or not you get to live another day, had you making choices to live each day like it could be your last? Would you dig deep inside, muster up your courage, and go out on a limb? Or would you stay on the surface, a prisoner to your emotions, fearful that if you go out on that limb, you might not make it? What if you don’t make it? What if you aren’t going to make it anyway?

What if sitting and watching, and listening and feeling all that you are, all that you experience, all that exists in this moment tunes you in to the things you are thankful for? What if never taking the time to be present has you feeling like your missing out, needing and wanting something you don’t have?

What if yoga, meditation, journaling and listening were the keys to tuning in? What if tuning in is all it takes for you to find gratitude every single day? What if you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if you tune into you, you will reach the source? What if reaching the source gives you faith, freedom and power?

What if faith, freedom and power is all you need to succeed, to find joy and feel true happiness? Would you give yourself the time? Would you commit to a daily practice? What if you put yourself first and foremost? What if doing this for yourself, turns you into a lighthouse to show others the way?

What if you find gratitude for all that is given and all that is taken away every single day of your life?

Love show me. Love use me. Love help me. Love guide me.

Life doesn’t exist so that we can experience happiness and pleasure. We are not gifted this experience so that we can attain riches, see the entire world in one lifetime or live lavishly and free from discord. If this was so, death would have no meaning, no purpose, no real impact on our existence. But we are greater than just men who live in our minds seeking all that brings us mental satisfaction. Humans are capable of feeling deeper within our bodies to experience all that is within: mind, body, soul, and all that is without: the earth, the great consciousness and all of the space between.

The mind tricks us into thinking if we get what it is that we desire we will feel satisfaction, contentment, happiness. But the mind is something we work to overcome from the moment we learn how to use it. The body is the vehicle that reveals the containment of the mind. The body is the portal that brings us from the darkness of living inside the vessel, to the light of what lies outside of the prison that the body is capable of being.

Your body is not what separates you from everything else, it is a bridge that connects your soul or spirit within you to all that is “seemingly” outside of you. But once you are able to access the bridge, to cross back and forth freely, it becomes perfectly clear that you are not imprisoned in your body, your body does not contain you and that everything that seems to be outside of you, only exists because you do.

Your life is NOT your own. Your body is just a lease gifted to you from the earth. Your life is the part of you that plays a role in the great story of the earth. The earth is not yours to destroy, it is not yours to disrespect, but you do it anyway. Not “you” as an individual, “you” as humankind. If it was universally understood that the earth allows our presence, if it was clear that the earth gives life as often as it takes it away, perhaps our respect for the ground that gives us a place to exist would heighten, and greater effort would go towards changing the behavior of humankind and working to reverse our devastating impact we have so carelessly imposed on our mother earth.

My body and my life is just one of millions but i was gifted a voice and i intend to use it. I am just a student but i intend to continuously learn until the day that i no longer have control of my earthly body to learn with. The truth of my own actions, my own ignorance and my own choices seeps into my awareness a little more every single day. I understand that I have been a part of the destruction and disrespect for the earth as much as anyone else has. But today, i’m counting every single blessing in order to make a permanent shift within me.

I’m brought to tears by the abundance of gifts I have been given. Tears fall for all that I have not done with these gifts, as much as tears fall for all that I have done. My life is not over. My impact has only just begun. As long as I have breath inside my body, I devote my mind, body and soul to all of the earth and all of humankind. Ignorance has led us all for far too long. Let consciousness be our guide for the future. May humans find gratitude for all that is given and all that is taken away every single day of our lives.

What it’s like to be naked in life and online.

it’s raw. it’s bold. it’s honest. it’s no mask. it’s no hiding. it’s brave. it’s scary. it’s shameful. it’s rebellious. it’s untraditional. it’s not common. it’s freedom. it’s no fear. it’s transparent. it’s revealing. it’s natural. it’s authentic. it’s unapologetic. it’s trusting. it’s judged. it’s flawed. it’s no fucks given. it’s shameless. it’s a big deal if you make it a big deal. it’s just me being me. and i kind of am a big deal. i’m the only me. i am not afraid, i was born to BE this.

haa! I’m writing thing now because someone commented on a recent instagram post of my butt. it’s ironic the last picture i posted here, on this blog, was of me naked. lol

i was wondering where to start posting stuff i’m writing (as you can see the last post was a while ago), i guess that’s a sign from uni that here is where i should put stuff :)

Creative Beings

Robin Hagy Photography

just for fun how about replacing human with “creator” or “creative” as to look at ourselves as something different than what we have decided it means to be human. “I am a creative being”. hmmmmm that’s interesting, it means something completely different to me than the statement “I am a human being”.

the label “human being” is one we have created for ourselves. but it comes with certain, ideas, expectations, obligations and such. as a human i am meant to move with the herd of other humans, watching and learning how they do so that i can do the same. as a human my mind works differently than other animals, there is a plethora of thoughts unnecessary to the survival of mankind. i have thoughts about how i can “look” better to other humans when in truth the way I look is really amazing and beautifully imperfect. i have thoughts about making tasks better and more efficient so that i can ultimately “do” more with my time, but to truly balance my life out, less would be more. i have thoughts about what others think of me, how they perceive me, how they judge and consider me and because of these completely unreal, imaginary things, i change myself, my appearance, or my behavior so that i can feel that i “fit in” to the herd.

lately, in the mess I’ve made, in the mess that was made before i even existed, i feel less and less human, less and less like part of a herd, less and less desire to watch and learn so i can do the same, less and less thoughts about what others think is beautiful or what the word “beauty” even means. i feel less and less desire to be perfect, to perform perfectly or to do things with perfection. I feel less and less the need to “do more” with my extra time that isn’t allocated to being human. i feel less and less about what others think of me and i am affected less and less by others judgements as well as my own. i feel less and less like i “fit in” to the human herd but i also feel less and less afraid to be and to act alone, without the support of others confirming my decisions as “right”.

so with all of that, i feel less and less like a human being or like the ideas i’ve been given about what it is to be a human being. but i feel, all the way deep down into my soul, that i am a “creative being”. human beings are flawed and limited, but creative beings are free from expectations and without limits. that is who i am. I am free of expectations and I am without limits. ahhhh the freedom i feel just from saying these words gives birth to the truth behind them.

my imagination only runs wild with the thoughts of chaos and incredibly possibility if everyone on earth today had this precise realization “I am not human, i am a creative being, i am free of expectations and i am without limits”. then what????… only my limitless imagination knows.

i create, design, and manifest my life through a human experience, but i am not a “human being”. i am such a creative being it’s not even funny (and so are you) … embrace that shit.

communicating discomfort

in the last year i’ve learned that communication is the single most important thing between two people and that communication is also the most challenging thing about being a human. it seems to me what makes it so difficult is that we don’t know how to communicate with ourselves.

communication begins with receiving, and we receive information that is transmitted by listening. listening goes much deeper than hearing with our ears. listening transcends the human senses and can be done without words and without sound. the most powerful communication doesn’t even use words or sounds. the entire body communicates, but we aren’t really taught, and don’t know how to listen.

perhaps listening is the greatest challenge in communication but again, it has nothing to do with listening to words. we humans, have the hardest time listening to ourselves, our own bodies, that we live inside and operate through 24/7. we fail, more often than not, to listen to even the simplest of things our bodies are saying.

i continue to read about how many many people in the world are sleep deprived. this is as simple as not receiving the transmission of info from the body saying, I need to sleep. or the problem could lie not in the receiving of the information but in the response. I know i’ve been in the situation a million times where my body is communicating that it’s hungry and it isn’t until i’ve ignored the call a few times before i realize that I waited until my body was practically screaming at me to eat, and by then, I’m very uncomfortable.

our bodies have millions of things to communicate every day, but listening is a challenge and responding is an even greater challenge. the body tells you when it’s hot, or even too hot, and also when it’s cold, or too cold, that’s pretty simple. the body let’s us know when we ingest things that aren’t easy to digest. it lets us know when we haven’t had enough water. it let’s us know when we are overcome with joy or even overwhelmed with distress.

it let’s us know when the experience we are having doesn’t feel comfortable, this can be done via the feeling of nervousness, anxiety, depression, compulsion or even addiction. but when our bodies relay the info that they are out of balance, and we are able to receive the message, what is the response? how do you respond to nervousness, anxiety, depression, compulsion or addiction? i think the greatest response is to listen more intently. your body has something to say, but nervousness, anxiety, depression, compulsion and addiction, are only on the surface, the part of the iceberg that’s revealed on top of the water, but what is hiding underneath? and do you have the strength, the energy, the know how and the WILL, to go exploring?

it seems to me, more often than not, that we are unable to dig deep to find the strength, the energy, the know how and the will to find out more about ourselves. and regardless if we (consciously or unconsciously) decide to dig deeper or to look away, there will always be a human tendency to want to distract ourselves from the discomfort we are experiencing. and rightfully so, who wants to just sit in their discomfort? nobody. no body. no human body wants to sit in discomfort. so we have a built in defense mechanism — the power to distract ourselves.

we are masters of redirection. we create complex lives that involve so many things, that, not only do we never run out of distractions, but we never have time to look at what is causing discomfort (dis-ease) within our own bodies. work, relationships, children, a presence on the internet, social obligations, shopping, eating, drinking, getting high, exercising, volunteering. how can we come to recognize that our lives, on this planet, in this experience, are contained within our human bodies. work, relationships and children aren’t worth shit if you don’t have a functioning body to sense, to come in contact with, to absorb and take in the very experiences that make up your life.

if we don’t know how to communicate clearly, and then we aren’t able to listen to others, or ourselves. if we aren’t able to listen to our own bodies on a daily basis, how can we clearly receive what others are communicating to us. if communicating is hard, and being in a world of people is hard then it’s easy to feel misunderstood, even by those closest to us. being misunderstood, not being able to clearly express our needs, and feeling the isolation of it all can lead to discomfort. discomfort is your body’s way of saying, i’m out of balance. are you listening to your body’s communication, or are you distracting yourself from it. if distracting yourself from your own discomfort is a daily activity, are you still able to show up alive and well right now, at this precise moment, feeling the breath moving through you, your senses keen to absorb this very experience of the life you are living that may or may not last longer than the next hour, but who knows.

listen to your own discomfort, not only can it define your own contentment, but it doesn’t lessen until it is attended to. attending to our nervousness, anxiety, depression, compulsion or addiction with pills, drugs, alcohol, shopping, work, exercise – whatever your vice, is merely a mute for the symptoms of discomfort, enabling you to “carry on”. they may be nice tools to help, but these are not ways of “attending to” discomfort.

in terms of communication, it’s common to have many moments of discomfort between yourself and other people. when these experiences arise, the only way to attend to discomfort between you and another person, is through communication. communicating your discomfort to the other person takes courage. listening to and receiving that communication from someone else takes compassion. so we both have to be brave, and because what that person is communicating is for themselves, even if we are in the story or not, it says nothing about us. not taking anything personally is the key to compassion. we cannot compassionately receive someones attempt to communicate if we assume what they are saying, says something about us. if what is communicated seems to align with your own thoughts, then perhaps this person is your mirror. if what is communicated seems misaligned with your own thoughts, then remember this is their story — not yours.

communication is hard and more often than not we misrepresent our true feelings with the words we use. but we’re all making an attempt. we’re all giving it our best shot. we all fuck up and we all say things that we don’t mean. consider this: there is no blame, there is no right or wrong and you cannot make a mistake. the best thing you can do, is keep trying. the worst thing you can do, is to convince yourself that you’ve made a mistake, that you’ve done wrong or that there are things to blame. and even worse than that, to convince yourself that someone else made a mistake, that they’ve done wrong or that they are to blame—because if someone else is to blame for your discomfort, then they hold the power, the key, that locks you away from your own comfort.

if you have resentment, judgement, or assumptions about other peoples thoughts — those are your thoughts. and your thoughts have the power, to keep you from being able to communicate clearly until you are able to let go, and just be you.

Ground down from a different point of view


what if god doesn’t need to be served. what if our world doesn’t need to be saved. what if cancer doesn’t need to be cured. what if we are looking at our lives through the lenses of the people that came before us, rather than our own.

what if god is not meant to be understood but rather, experienced. what if the survival of our world depends upon the survival of us. what if the cure for cancer is becoming aware of the cause. what if submitting to tradition, without question, blinds us from what is possible, while a simple question, can spark our consciousness to illuminate infinite possibilities.

what if god is simply the source. what if our planet is one organism. what if death is the end of nothing. what if consciousness is the beginning of everything. what if fear is the only thing in your way of creating your dream.

journal entry 11.27.14


i left my last journal entry up on my comp when i sat down to write tonight…



i miss him… i miss safety, security, contentment… i miss familiarity, certainty and my solid home base.


huuuuuuuuuuuuuh… yea, i still feel exactly the same. i love to be loved. i love to be understood. i love to be seen through… i love being in the presence of someone i don’t have to hide from (i stole that from him, he said it tonight). Being with johnny and his family tonight brought up so much shit for me — constantly being drilled by myself questioning my decision to leave him. but now that i am home, alone, and can take a deep breath, one thing i know for certain, i am so very THANKFUL for the space between leaving him and everything that has brought me to sit down on this couch to write this. just like i couldn’t have started the journey i’m on without him, i couldn’t have taken such a big leap while i was still with him. i needed and still need to be out of my comfort zone. i have quite a bit of work to do and it’s important that i detach to do it. i’ve been attached to safety, security, contentment, familiarity, certainty, happiness, freshness, LOVE, being loved, being in love, experiencing every inch of love, comfort, ease, hope, fairy tales endings, and feeling special. on the surface all of that might sound not too bad to be attached to… but it fucking sucks, it was hard to see while i was in it, it was painful to face when I did see it, it turned my world upside-down, i saw myself changing to ensure i keep my attachments, i wanted to be especial in peoples eyes, i wanted to be what i thought they would want me to be, and i compromised myself to make sure i kept all of those attachment needs fulfilled.

when i left johnny, my rainbow colored glasses got ripped off my face exposing some dark shit i was refusing to look at. my beautifully lit up world got real dark, real fast. it jarred the shit out of me but now, after all of this time, i’m starting to like the dark. i was so fucking afraid of the dark… but why? something made me think it was scary but it’s not. it’s just a darker shade of beautiful that i have overlooked. i’ve lived on the perfect, happy, content, easy, illuminated path for so long my eyes are worn out. in the dark my eyes get to rest. i’ve found other ways to see without my eyes. i “see” with my heart, with my soul, my intuition, my faith, and when i “see” others, i “see” myself reflecting back at me. this place i’m in might leave me unsettled, shook up, confused, doubtful, uncertain, scared, and angry but it seems to be where this big beautiful growth spurt is coming from and i’m nowhere near done here.

so while i do still miss him and safety, and security, and contentment and familiarity, and certainty, and my “home base”, i’m so thankful to know what it feels like to not have those things. i’m so thankful i got to experience those things with him. i’m thankful for my courage to detach. i’m thankful for him, i’m thankful he notices me, i’m thankful he accepts me, i’m thankful he loves me exactly as i am and i am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO thankful he chooses to still be in my life.

“i am grateful i am free… i am grateful for the love that surrounds me.” alexia chellun

journal entry 11.14.14


here i am. in vegas. for a PNF party today hosted by zappos. it was summer last year when i had the opportunity to be in the presence of this amazing crew. the kindness crew. i don’t think i’ve ever loved, appreciated or felt more apart of another community as i do this one. THIS is home. home for my heart. today is going to be magical.

last night i sat in bed too tired to write. i closed my eyes and started my nightly ritual. taking my last quiet still moment of the day to recognize what gratitude i have in my heart from the day. i said “dear uni…” and all that could follow was “… thank you”. and this thank you was fucking HUGE. it wasn’t for one thing, it was for everything. i literally scanned my life from birth in a matter of seconds. i recognized many pieces of my life that have brought me right here. how perfect it all has been. but how has it only been 30 years? i feel like in 30 years i’ve lived a lifetime. well fuck… i’ve lived longer than many lifetimes. multiple times longer than the children we will celebrate today.

today we celebrate many young survivors of dis-ease and equally as important, the many children that have succumbed to the same dis-ease. Dis-ease that we as a whole collective of people and consciousness have created. Dis-ease that has shown up as a messenger, as a mirror for us to see. No one is to blame. No one thing is at fault. But depending on how we choose to act in the face of this dis-ease will be the deciding factor on whether or not we succeed or fail as a whole. peach’s neet feet brings LOUD AWARENESS to the world without shying away from the strange and unfamiliar. they put the cold hard honest truth in your face so that you can’t deny the reality that is taking place in our world. and the best fucking part? every thought, every word and every action is rooted in kindness.

kindness. hope. compassion. truth. AWARENESS. these are the people, the things, the reality that can change the world. actions rooted in such pure love it’s no wonder they shine the brightest light on all of this darkness. the tears just keep seeping out of me this morning. there is all too much to type and acknowledge that i am grateful for. this moment is precious and a beautiful reminder of how i got here. thank you madison and thank you annie for creating this tribe and inviting me in. we live hundreds of miles apart, see each other rarely and speak from time to time but this place, this space right here, is where i will always find my home. <3 … and of course, the hotel’s complimentary soaps support our mission. bee kind :) a beautiful sign that we are all exactly where we are supposed to be.

Searching For Love

I don’t remember when it all started but I do remember in middle school, just wanting to be noticed. What is it about being noticed that has so much power? It’s like someone verifying your existence. But why do we need that verification? Perhaps in a sea of other preteens, I wished to be seen. I wished that me, my unique and weird self would be seen and loved. Now did I need that because I wasn’t getting a ton of attention at home? Or did I need that because all preteens need that? I don’t know, but that is the earliest memory I have of craving love.

After being noticed I wanted to be liked. I wanted someone to notice me, my unique self, and then I wanted them to like me. What a bitch it is to seek others approval, yet most everyone does it at some point. I started off needing my parents approval, then from my friends at school and then my teachers, counselors and even strangers. It’s so much easier when people like (or approve of) your words, your thoughts and your actions. If everyone likes and approves of you, who challenges you? Back then it felt like those who truly challenged me, didn’t like me, so I would stay clear of them. I only wanted to be liked, to be loved, I had no room for disapproval in my life.

Once I was liked by someone I wished to be accepted and understood. I wanted those who knew me to see it all, like it all, understood the way I tick and accept me exactly as I am. With my best girl friends this was easy most of the time. Little girls growing up together, tend to think alike, be alike, even dress alike and act alike. All the rubbing off onto each other paves the way to be accepted and understood by these close friends. So i found love in the space between me and my friends.

Now that I had experienced what it was like to be seen, and liked, and understood, and accepted, i was exposed to the desire to have this in a partner. I don’t know why, but it was the thing to do. I don’t know where I got the idea (maybe from movies) or how in the world it became so powerful but my ideas of what love was were expanding, and I had yet to feel it this way, so naturally, the next step in experiencing this thing called love was to find a partner to experience it with.

This is when love got harder. Not only did I need to be noticed, liked understood and accepted, I had to notice, like, understand and accept someone else exactly as they are. This was so easy to do with my girlfriends. I could see their entire lives, I knew everything, making it so easy for us to understand each other’s words, thoughts and actions. But with someone new, you don’t really get to dive in the same way as with childhood friends. You have to start sharing your story but it’s scary to be so vulnerable with a new person. What if he doesn’t like this? Or understand that? Just the thought of not being accepted when I put myself out there brought in a hint of shame. How did that come to be? Why in THIS moment is it so important for THIS person to understand and accept me? I gave so much power to these moments and the outcome was always only one of two: we both put some stuff out there and were seen, liked, accepted and understood for a while or… something, somewhere in the process was not seen, not liked, not accepted or not understood so I’d quit putting my energy into it. Regardless of whichever way it went, none of these partnerships ever lasted very long but I never ceased to keep searching for a partner that I could have all these gifts with and fully surrender into.

I don’t know why this is such a common thing for so many people, women especially. To wish to seek and find “the” person that will fulfill us. At what point were we programmed to think that we aren’t full without this? What about the people who don’t search for this? Why do we think it’s sad if they always live alone, if they never have kids or a partner in their lives? Perhaps their lives are absent of this particular experience but there are many experiences I myself have not been through. Why does THIS one seem to weigh much more than other common desirable experiences. Growing up, I think the subject came up more than college or my future did. But why? As if heartache is needed to go on with my life, as if disappointment in others really inspires me to keep going, as if I can’t focus on other things until I have this thing.

Along the way, I’d have long moments in need of solitude. What I was looking for in others, I never found, and at times I’d feel that I was the only one who could truly show up for me and I honored that. But before too long, I’d always witness a beautiful partnership and choose to continue my search. This pattern went on for years with no partnership ever sticking for more than a few months at a time. I felt complicated, and misunderstood. I was so sick of missing my mark with all these tryouts so I gave up. I surrendered, and was no longer searching, in fact I was fed up with the thought of a partner all together. So of course, that’s when “he” walked into my life. He noticed me right away, he liked me from the start, he accepted my weirdness as it came up and he always tried his hardest to understand me. I noticed that he noticed, I liked him from the start, I accepted all the weird things about him and I always found a way to understand him. I was 25, and I was finally able to end the search and surrender into safe, secure, trustworthily contentment. Unconditional love. It was pure bliss. I was me, he was him, and it was perfect.

Because I had finally filled that hole that felt like a missing piece, I no longer felt like I was missing out on something that really mattered to me. So for years I rested in complete contentment, happiness and freedom to just be me. Everything that had happened in my life up until this point felt absolutely perfect. Confirming those programmed beliefs that heartache is a necessary experience, disappointment in others never stomped out my hope, and now that I have THIS thing, I can focus on other things. So, I found another hole to fill, another missing piece. This piece was my purpose (did I seriously need a partner before I could address something so fucking important?! I guess I did) and it was more than just MY purpose, it was OUR purpose. So I started posing questions out into the universe and began a new journey within my journey.

The answers I received while on my quest for purpose were irritating at first. “The answer is inside you”, “you already have the knowledge you need”, “look within”, “there’s nothing to search for, you already have it”. Like a broken record all of these answers rolling around in my head day in and day out. So I discovered ways to look within and that’s where I found the REAL hole. I hadn’t given myself me, my love, my energy, my power, my acceptance or my compassion, none of it… and it left a big gaping hole inside me. This hole was so much bigger than the missing partner hole, I think that maybe that was just a divot on the surface caused by the giant underground cave that was below. How is it that this so very important piece of myself has been overlooked for so long and NO ONE had ever taught me about it? How is this not important enough to teach in school?! I remember at the time knowing that I could have never come to this place in my life had I not had that amazing partner in my life. I knew that without him filling that space, I could have never seen these all too important things that need my attention below. Without him, I’d still be on the surface trying to fill the only hole I knew existed.

Right away, I started filling in the cave. I gave myself me, my time, my energy, and started listening to my heart. I gave myself love. I stopped judging myself so harshly and replaced the judgement with acceptance and compassion. Before long, it wasn’t a gaping hole anymore. The more time, energy, and self love, I put into the hole, the fuller it got. I started smashing so much into that hole that it started over flowing and even pushing the partner hole on the surface up and out of existence. Now, he wasn’t filling a hole anymore, he was sitting on top of where the hole used to be. He still noticed me, he still loved me, he still understood me and accepted every crazy part of me, but now, while I did still notice him, love him, accept him and understand him, I didn’t need a partner to fill that need for me anymore. I never really did but the illusion was there and I still believed in it until now.

That’s when I made the most difficult decision that I’ve ever made. I decided to leave my beautiful, perfect partner that noticed me, loved me with all of his heart, understood me and accepted all of me. So now, it’s just me and my (supposedly) whole self. I’m finding how lonely it can be as I realize how dependent I was on him to fill other little holes like my need for attention and approval. As time goes on, being alone is cultivating a sensitivity to things I haven’t been aware of in the past. I am able to see more of myself, I am able to put more faith in myself, and with all of this new awareness, I’m able to love even more of myself. I’ve replaced searching with seeing, seeking with creating, and I know now that, everything I need, really is, within me.

Now I see that love isn’t something to be found. If you seek it, you won’t find it. If you force it, you won’t have it. And if you curse it, you become hardened against it. Your love, isn’t in other people. Your love isn’t in things. Your love is deep within the depths of your soul and it doesn’t need a thing, except for you to “see” it.

I’ve realized I don’t need a partner as much as I need connections. Connections that integrate with all of me instead of filling in holes I haven’t filled myself. Connections that expand the surface area of my being, challenging me and supporting me as I grow bigger than I ever imagined I could be.